Month: July 2020

Joe Kelly has been a pain in the Dodgers ass for years. He’s the guy who broke Hanley Ramirez’s ribs in the NLDS in 2013, dominated the Dodgers in the 2018 World Series, was hurt for most of last season after signing a three year $25 million contract, and gave up the go ahead Grand Slam to Howie Kendrick in the NLDS just over 9 months ago.

With three pitches tonight, everything bad Joe Kelly has done to the Dodgers has been forgiven.

First of all, going after the biggest douchebag on the Asterisks, Alex Bregman, was awesome.

Bregman had been talking smack all offseason, and the smugness and lack of remorse for his actions warranted more than 99 MPH behind his head.

By the way, all the people who were mad that Joe Kelly was “head hunting” obviously have never seen his window. That dude has no idea where the ball is going to go.

Then the icing on the cake tonight was when Kelly went after Carlos Correa.

Correa has always looked like he walks around with a big dump in his pants, so it was no surprise that he was the guy who talked the most shit all offseason and didn’t take any responsibility for his actions. He was also very hostile and defensive towards anyone who thought the Astericks were cheaters.

After Kelly struck him out, embarrassed him, and made him look like the fool he is, Correa tried to act like he was hard. GTFOH. This is the same dude that missed eight weeks last year because he got hurt from a massage.

This guy is softer than Charmin.

Plus Joe Kelly tried to fight the entire New York Yankees roster a couple of years ago. He’s crazy. Correa don’t want no smoke.

To top it all off, the reason the Trashtros were so upset was because Joe Kelly called Correa a mean name.

Poor babies.

So overnight, Joe Kelly has gone from journeyman reliever to the most beloved baseball player in America. Hopefully they use this picture of him when they build his statue outside of Dodger Stadium.

Legend.

Mookie Betts is a Dodger for life!

It all started early this morning at around 6:30 AM Pacific Time when it was first reported by Boston Sports Radio Host Lou Merloni that the Dodgers and Betts were close to a long term extension.

About 45 minutes later, MLB Network Insider Jon Heyman came in and said that he heard the same thing.

As a rule of thumb in baseball, you believe everything from reporters like Jeff Passan and Ken Rosenthal since they are never wrong. Since these reports were from different people, I didn’t fully believe them.

Then everything changed when Jeff Passan dropped a nuke on the baseball world when he confirmed the reports.

As you can probably tell I’m a Dodgers fan, and when Passan was the guy to report that the deal was close I went through the roof because I was so excited.

I mean how could you blame me. The Dodgers have come close to winning the World Series so many times over the past seven years and they never really spent money on the big name player. They have never gone all in.

The Dodgers always spent money on a few different guys like signing A.J. Pollock instead of Bryce Harper, and trading for Yu Darvish instead of Justin Verlander because Verlander had $40 Million left on his deal, etc.

So, it was nice to see them finally go for it and spend money. The Dodgers have the money to be the Yankees of the west coast, but they never spent money. Maybe now there will be a change in the front office philosophy and they will start spending big.

A couple of things to note about his contract is Betts is the only contract left on the books after the 2022 season. This means that the Dodgers will have the money to re-sign guys like Cody Bellinger, who is a free agent after 2022 and Walker Buehler, who is a free agent after the 2023 season, and others. Also his deal does not include a no-trade clause, and over $100 Million of his contract is deferred to the end of his 13-year deal and beyond.

The best part about this is Betts is only twenty-seven years old, and he’s right in the beginning stages of his prime. They have him signed until he’s forty, which is a little bit worrying, but to have probably the second best baseball player in the world on your team is pretty good.

Actually I lied. The best part was watching Red Sox fans melt down on Twitter.

A story in four parts:

Aaron Rodgers has it all. He won a Super Bowl, he is one of the highest paid quarterbacks in the NFL, and he has all the money and fame he could ever want. Unfortunately, he couldn’t discount double-check his way into Danica Patrick’s heart.

It has been a rough few months for Rodgers. The Packers got blown out in the NFC Championship against Rodgers’ childhood favorite team, the 49ers, the Packers then drafted his replacement, and now he breaks up with his longtime girlfriend. Hopefully he can rely heavily on his faith and family during this tough ti… nevermind.

As for Danica, this relationship ended up about as badly as her NASCAR career. Besides, this relationship had to be tough for her. She is an Illinois girl dating the Quarterback of the Packers. There had to be some mixed emotions there.

Now I’m going to go full tin foil hat conspiracy theorist here.

Ever since they began dating, Rodgers play on the field has been declining. What if Danica secretly works for the Bears and her goal was to sabotage Rodgers.

I mean it’s possible, although I think the Bears would be better off using their resources to get a kicker that can actually make a field goal.

Seriously though, it’s a bummer that it didn’t work out for them. However, I do think Danica seriously downgraded from her last boyfriend to Rodgers.

I mean come on. She went from someone who looks like a 1980s country music singer who drives a red Chevy pickup, to a dude who drinks kale smoothies and drives a Toyota Prius.

To each her own I guess.

Happy Birthday to NFL Hall of Famer, Hollywood movie star, and convicted criminal Orenthal James Simpson!

Simpson was born on July 9, 1947 in San Francisco, California. Growing up he was a great athlete and he was not known to have any homicidal tendencies. He went to college at USC, and he was drafted by the Buffalo Bills in 1968. Being drafted by the Bills was ONLY the third worst thing that ever happened to him.

The second worst thing to ever happen to him was being associated with the Kardashians.

Among O.J’s career achievements are a Heisman trophy in 1968, a NFL MVP award in 1973, a 2,000 yard rushing season in 13 games in 1973, and Co-starring in The Naked Gun and various Hertz commercials. However, his greatest career achievement was escaping a murder conviction that he was clearly guilty of in 1994.

Now that might be a little unfair. After all, if the glove doesn’t fit you must acquit. Luckily for O.J., the only twelve people in America who thought he was innocent were on the Jury.

After he was found “Not Guilty” O.J. could’ve played golf for the rest of his life and focused on finding out who the “real killer” was. Instead, his dumb ass decided to rob someone at gunpoint over some of his “stolen” memorabilia.

For his stupidity (and the fact he got away with killing two people), the judge sent O.J. to the pound for a decade. Finally in 2017, the juice was loose after he was released on parole.

Nowadays the only thing Orange Julius does is talk Fantasy Football on social media (hello Twitter world), play golf, and terrorize the widows who live in his retirement community.

So Happy Birthday O.J., I hope you three-putted every hole you played today.

P.S. I am not suicidal, so if I end up dead O.J. did it… or maybe Hillary did it like she did to Epstein.