Happy Birthday to NFL Hall of Famer, Hollywood movie star, and convicted criminal Orenthal James Simpson!
Simpson was born on July 9, 1947 in San Francisco, California. Growing up he was a great athlete and he was not known to have any homicidal tendencies. He went to college at USC, and he was drafted by the Buffalo Bills in 1968. Being drafted by the Bills was ONLY the third worst thing that ever happened to him.
The second worst thing to ever happen to him was being associated with the Kardashians.
Among O.J’s career achievements are a Heisman trophy in 1968, a NFL MVP award in 1973, a 2,000 yard rushing season in 13 games in 1973, and Co-starring in The Naked Gun and various Hertz commercials. However, his greatest career achievement was escaping a murder conviction that he was clearly guilty of in 1994.
Now that might be a little unfair. After all, if the glove doesn’t fit you must acquit. Luckily for O.J., the only twelve people in America who thought he was innocent were on the Jury.
After he was found “Not Guilty” O.J. could’ve played golf for the rest of his life and focused on finding out who the “real killer” was. Instead, his dumb ass decided to rob someone at gunpoint over some of his “stolen” memorabilia.
For his stupidity (and the fact he got away with killing two people), the judge sent O.J. to the pound for a decade. Finally in 2017, the juice was loose after he was released on parole.
Nowadays the only thing Orange Julius does is talk Fantasy Football on social media (hello Twitter world), play golf, and terrorize the widows who live in his retirement community.
So Happy Birthday O.J., I hope you three-putted every hole you played today.
P.S. I am not suicidal, so if I end up dead O.J. did it… or maybe Hillary did it like she did to Epstein.